Conscious Choice: My Life as a Blender or Surviving in a Stepfamily

February 2002

My Life as a Blender or Surviving in a Stepfamily

by Nina Amir Lacey

More than half of all Americans who enter into marriage for the first time end up divorced. Three quarters of those same people eventually remarry, and about 65 percent of those remarriages involve children from a prior marriage. Thus, more than half of all second marriages taking place in our country create a new type of family: a stepfamily.

Estimating the actual number of stepfamilies in our country today, however, is difficult; the U.S. Census Bureau has not calculated them since the early nineties. Still, census statistics on divorce, remarriage and stepfamilies — albeit old — offer general insight into the number of adults and children who call themselves part of a stepfamily:

* One out of three Americans is a stepparent, a stepchild, a stepsibling, or some other member of a stepfamily.

* More than half of Americans have been, are now, or will eventually be in one or more stepfamily situations during their lives.

These figures indicate only families in which the child actually resides. Thus, if the child lives with a divorced, single parent and the other, nonresident, parent has remarried, the child is not included in the calculations as being a member of a stepfamily. Also, many children living in so-called "single parent households" actually live with two adults.

If we calculate only those children residing in legally married stepfamilies, 23 percent of children would be designated as living in a stepfamily. When the figures include children who live with a cohabiting parent, the figure rises to 30 percent. In that case, it’s not incorrect to estimate that two-thirds of all women and 30 percent of all children in the United States are likely to spend some time in a stepfamily.

What none of these statistics tell you, however, is how difficult it can be to make a stepfamily work. In fact, 60 percent of all remarriages eventually end in divorce — oftentimes because the marriage cannot withstand the stress of the stepfamily situation.

In the best case scenario, a stepfamily "blends" together with just the normal emotional and psychological traumas that go with the territory. Children often bring with them emotional baggage from their parents’ divorce that can affect their dealings with and relationship with the step parent and biological parent(s). The biological parent brings the baggage of the ex-husband or wife. Granted this person is not part of the actual stepfamily, but his or her relationship with the children, the ex-spouse and the new step parent makes a huge difference in how successfully the individuals will blend into a family unit. If the divorced couple can maintain a civil or — even better — a supportive and loving relationship, the stepfamily will much more easily become a "blended" family. The children will feel that they have the support and approval of both their biological parents to enter into this new relationship with their step parent and into their new life as part of a stepfamily.

In the worst case scenario, the stepfamily never actually blends. The children may be too angry with their biological parents or too resentful of their new family situation to accept it. They may refuse to allow the stepparent to play an active role in their lives or may refuse to accept them as a parent. If the ex-spouse still harbors anger or resentment about the divorce or the first marriage, he or she may pressure the children to dislike not only the step parent but their other biological parent as well. This can lead to a stressful and unhappy living situation for everyone. If the newly married couple’s relationship is not strong enough to weather the storms that can erupt on a daily basis, divorce becomes inevitable.

While my stepfamily remains intact after almost fourteen years, I can attest to how hard it was for my husband and me to stay together during those years — let alone to keep our "family" together. I became the stepmother of a six-year-old son and an eight-year-old daughter one year before I actually got married. Over the next decade, my husband and I had to deal not only with the emotional issues that come with the territory but also with the negative influence of his ex-wife. The children felt angry and guilty over their parents’ divorce, sad at being forced to move from their home and school, and homesick for their mother. They resented me because they were forced by their father to live with me instead of their mother, and they were jealous of their father’s affection for me. This was compounded by the children’s mother’s successful attempts to turn them against their father and me. They were given the clear message that they should not love us.

Despite the many problems we had as a stepfamily, my husband and I were able to keep our marriage together for several reasons. The first one was a strong and true desire to remain together. While after several years of marriage we both admitted that we would never have gotten married had we known how difficult it was to be part of a stepfamily, since we were married, we were committed to staying married. We wanted to work it out — for our sake and for the children’s sake. We loved each other enough to do whatever it would take to stay together — and to not let the kids break us apart.

Once in a while, when things got tough, we sometimes simply retreated each to our individual corners of the house, but on most occasions we did try to work out our problems. Sometimes this involved family meetings. Sometimes it meant yelling and crying until we had said all we needed to say and could get to a place of love and understanding for the other person. Sometimes it meant sending an intermediary (my husband or me) to smooth things over between two parties.

When we couldn’t solve our problems within the family, we enlisted the help of an expert — and this might be the most important step any step parent can take toward creating a successfully blended family. During several periods over the years we sought out the advice of a family counselor, and during three different periods my stepdaughter had weekly meetings on her own with a psychologist or counselor.

My husband and I also attended Stepfamily Association of America meetings to obtain the support of other people involved in stepfamilies. Attending such meetings makes you feel less alone and allows you to learn from other step parents’ experiences. In addition, this organization provides wonderful information that helps in understanding stepfamily issues. For example, when I was feeling guilty about not loving my stepchildren, they told me that many step parents never grow to love their stepchildren. When I thought there was no way for me to create a harmonious stepfamily, they told me that it normally takes at least four years for a stepfamily simply to reach a level of equilibrium — which means you learn to live with each other without too much daily turmoil.

To have a successful stepfamily you must work on your relationships with your spouse and stepchildren, and this requires that you do some deep personal work on yourself. You have to admit to your own emotional issues within the context of the stepfamily or with your stepchildren. For example, I found I had my own jealousy issues about my husband’s time with his children. I also resented having to live with and care for two children who did not like me any more than I liked them.

You also have to explore the recesses of your own personality and question your motives and actions and emotions — and then try to make changes for the better. You have to learn forgiveness and compassion, discipline and love. You have to accept yourself and others for who they are and understand the circumstances that affect their behavior and their ways of looking at the world. You have to learn coping mechanisms, communication tools, and self-improvement techniques. If you can get the members of your family to do the same, you all become emotionally stronger and develop a well-honed ability to be in relationship with yourselves and with each other as well as with other people in general.

Each time I have a meaningful encounter with one of my stepchildren, I reap the reward of having developed a relationship with them. Each time we are all together and the experience is warm and pleasant, I reap the rewards of having created a family. Each time I feel the love between myself and my husband, I reap the rewards of my strong marriage.

Being part of a stepfamily was the most difficult thing I have ever done. Would I do it again? Probably not. Am I a better person for having done it? I think so. Is my marriage stronger after working through our stepfamily issues? Definitely. And all of us bear some emotional scars from being in a stepfamily, but each year they become a little less apparent. I have to say, from experience, that creating a blended family can be more than just a little bit trying, but it also can be well worth the effort.

Resources

Stepfamily Association of America

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