April 2003
Meeting your Match by Matching your Values
Where to discover like-minded friends and lovers
by Nomy Lamm
As a conscious, forward thinking, Earth-loving, choice-making individual, you realize that you hold everything you need inside yourself. You are strong and confident without being defined as part of a couple. Still, you know that you deserve love and healthy human contact.
You wonder to yourself, how will I find a companion who can appreciate the delicate art of vegan cooking and its evolutionary significance? Or possibly you’ve imagined locking looks with a special someone as you browse the "Acupressure for Lovers" section at the local spirituality stop-n-shop. Or you wish for a lover for whom talking about "the downfall of civilization and the creation of a new era of love and enlightenment" is hot pillow talk.
You know the person is out there, but how to find them? It’s hard enough in the dating world to find a person you click with, let alone someone whose intentions and ideals match your own. Chicago is a huge city, and the community of so-called "cultural creatives," while growing, is not hugely visible.
"I think it’s relatively easy for people in their 20s and 30s. They’re more open, not so firmly implanted in their belief system," said Laura Bruzas, founder of V (a new monthly vegetarian magazine) and the Healthy Dining Club for Singles. "Once someone reaches their late 30s, early 40s, they become aware that it’s not just about finding a wonderful person, but also someone who wants to take care of themselves. Someone who realizes the importance of exercise to prevent disease, who supports sustainable agricultural efforts, who is conscious of the cleaning products they use in their home. It’s hard to find a lifestyle partner."
Core Values in Cyberspace?
There’s always the computer. Online dating services targeted at specific lifestyle and value systems, including veg giedate.com, meetyourgreens.com, and conscioussingles.com, are increasingly showing up on the Web, providing a cyber venue for potential connections. These sites offer chat rooms, personal ads,
forums, advice columns, and related links.
Even though she’s met her last three partners through computer dating services, Bruzas, who’s 45, maintains that it’s extremely difficult to find a values-conscious individual online. One of her exes, she said, was a true exception, and they were together for three years. The other two were nice, attractive people, but they lacked the lifestyle component that she was looking for. She then put an ad in the Chicago Reader, looking for a values conscious individual like herself. Again, she says, it’s been next to impossible. "It’s not the right venue. There’s a lot of activity out there, but that core value system is missing."
At meetyourgreens.com, the first images one is greeted with are the traditional dating service photos of couples silhouetted against a sunset beach scene. Many of the ads read the same as any other online dating site: "My favorite bands are Linkin Park and Eminem." "Looking for a smart, sensuous, and ambitious lady." Others ask for "someone who cares for humans and animals equally. Someone who is environmentally conscious."
Billing itself as a Web site for "singles of all sexual orientations who are interested in healthy, holistic living, personal growth, spirituality and metaphysics, recovery, social issues, and the environment," conscioussingles.com seems to be the most spiritually focused of the three sites. The pet project of Dr. Joel Rachelson, the site takes a slightly different approach than the traditional "find your dream mate" cyber dating services. "We believe from our own experience that love and friendship blossom in an environment that is conscious, safe, harmonious, and diverse," writes Rachelson on the opening page.
Navigating the Energy
Online dating may have its place, but honestly, nothing beats the feeling of an authentic spontaneous encounter with an intriguing person. For that, my friend, you just may need to leave the house!
"Actually, we met at a bar," laughs 35-year-old Marla Rose, referring to her husband, John Beske. "It was poetry night at the Green Mill, at a poetry slam. I was reading a poem and he was there with a mutual friend. We just hit it off."
At what point did she realize they could connect on a core level? "It became clear over a short time," she says. "If not immediately then shortly thereafter." Married now for four-and-a-half years, the two of them co-founded EarthSave Chicago, run a business called Vegan Street, and are just starting a family.
But how often are you gonna find a spiritual mate in the middle of a smoky bar? How many would want to? The holistic counterpart to this approach could very well be Healing Earth Resources — the book and gift shop on Chicago’s North side that also serves as a hub for people interested in all types of spirituality and consciousness-raising. With a full roster of workshops, lectures, and events sponsored by various Chicago groups, Healing Earth has the potential to be a meeting space for people looking for all kinds of connections. For instance, EarthSave holds gatherings to give people a chance to eat healthfully, socialize, and learn from each other.
"What we’re trying to do is build a community of people [who want] to live this compassionate and healthful lifestyle," says Rose, describing EarthSave Chicago’s monthly potlucks. "It’s nice because it’s an environment that’s social but there’s not a lot of pressure on people, it’s not a meat market. It’s primarily an educational environment, but if people come and meet kindred spirits, whether potential romantic partners or just friends, I think it’s great.
"I think it’s pretty clear when you attend [EarthSave] potlucks, it’s an open, warm and friendly space, not somewhere people would feel vulnerable to being harassed," said Rose.
When Laurie Pentell first moved to Chicago from Colorado, she went looking for a community of conscious individuals. Unable to find what she was looking for, she wished for a kind of "conscious café."
"I like gently organized activities, something where I don’t have to walk into a room and start shmoozing, that’s a nightmare to me. I like going some place I know there’s a certain kind of energy, an activity in place that I can navigate within."
She started the Sageheart Alliance nearly four years ago to provide such a space. Sageheart meets monthly at various Chicago venues including Healing Earth Resources and No Exit Cafe. Guest speakers have covered topics including co-housing, spirituality in the workplace, creativity, living your purpose, and loving your life.
"To me, community is essential. If you don’t have kindred spirits in your life you’re like a plant without water. Sageheart isn’t a singles thing specifically, but a lot of people are unattached which is why they’re out looking for other relationships. If you don’t have a friend to see that particular play, art show, or spiritual movie with, what have you? It takes a lot away from life."
When Laura Bruzas set up the first meeting of The Healthy Dining Club (a dining club for singles in their 40s and 50s) she expected eight people to attend. Over the course of two days, the reservation went from eight to 26. "It’s an opportunity for people who are socially conscious to get together in a restaurant, break bread, and discuss the important issues of the day," says Bruzas. She’s a member of several local organizations but doesn’t find them to be ideal for meeting people. "When people go to a meeting, the meeting starts, the meeting’s over. It doesn’t necessarily offer a proper social forum."
By the time the first meeting of the Healthy Dining Club was over, eight more events had already been planned. Branching beyond its original intent, the club is now featuring guest speakers, carpooling, party games, and even a special evening of leisure and relaxation with massage therapists, psychics, drinks, and a dinner buffet at CHI, a local venue for holistic encounters.
"People have already contacted me saying,‘I really like so and so, did he say anything to you?’" says Bruzas. "Everyone’s been very willing to share, it’s a very team-oriented group. The [participants] who are a part of this are the people who will help it grow...and come up with ideas...and suggestions. I’m so excited about it. I’ve been a Chicagoan for my entire life and I see all the things that are happening on the East and West coasts. It’s really nice that it’s finally making a huge impact in the Midwest. Its time has come."
Kay Stepkin is the 49-year-old co-founder of the local vegetarian organization, Go Veggie. She attended the first Healthy Dining Club event at Chicago’s Russian Tea Time restaurant, and Go Veggie co-sponsored a brunch soon after that first meeting. "I had a few old friends there, but it was mostly people I’d never met before. The format gave people something in common. I had some lively conversations. It was very comfortable — a lot of that has to do with Laura’s personality, she creates a fun environment."
Avoiding a Mismatch
Stepkin says that she is interested in finding a partner with similar values, but warns against idealism. "Sometimes people who are newly involved in this movement think that everyone has the big picture, the big perspective on life. You find out that, really in terms of people’s character, there’s the same array of characters you find among meat eaters. That was one of my biggest disappointments. People shouldn’t think that because someone is a vegetarian or environmentalist that it necessarily says anything about their character. That’s still to be determined through time."
Guy Spiro, astrologer and publisher of Chicago’s Monthly Aspectarian magazine, warns against dating people who are not at the same level and trying to "bring them up." This is a surefire way of outgrowing a person and becoming disappointed in your relationship. He stresses the importance of finding partners who are consciously (rather than unconsciously) evolving.
"Somebody may have the looks and the economic level, the background, almost all of the pieces that the seeker imagines to be the perfect person, but if they don’t have the same commitment to evolving their consciousness, then you don’t have a match."
In his consultations with people looking for "the perfect match," Spiro seeks to take the edge off of people’s desperation. In his opinion, the answer to the big question "How do I find my match?" is simple: Stop looking.
"Stop looking and start preparing. It’s well known in metaphysical circles, when the student is ready, the teacher appears. This applies to lovers too. So my advice then usually is tend to your disciplines. Do your meditation, do your yoga, get yourself ready for this person and when you are ready they’re likely to turn up," he says.
Apart from whether one accepts Spiro’s advice, this is for certain: patience is a virtue especially while waiting for love. But regardless of our status — single or otherwise — it makes sense to take a big bite out of life and live each moment fully. Becoming involved and passionate about shaping a better world is an engaging way to live and makes us attractive and interesting to those who cross our paths.>
Nomy Lamm is a Chicago-based writer and performance artist. Visit her Web site, www.nomylamm.com.
Meeting your Match
"Conscious" Venues:
Healing Earth Resources, 3111 N. Ashland Avenue, Chicago; 773-327-8459
V Magazine/Healthy Dining Club; hotline: 773-250-3311 healthydining@aol.com
Online dating:
"Green" Gays
For people whose genders and/or desires fall outside of the binary system, finding a partner with similar core values presents a whole different set of complications. Traditionally, gay, lesbian, bi, and trans (glbt) people tend to gather in bars and at events like Gay Pride and Halsted Street Fair. But events based completely on gender and sexual preference provide little assurance of a common ideology or value system.
"The stereotype that gays are more socially conscious isn’t true," says local gay musician Scott Free. "When you start dating around you find that out pretty quick. If you’re going to match ideology within the gay community, you have to gravitate toward groups, organizations, and events that center around art or politics, something other than the bars, which are completely hit or miss."
The options are limited but he recommends: "Queer to the Left" (a group focusing on non-gay-specific issues of fair housing, death penalty, anti-war, and quality-of-life issues) and Unity Church in Chicago which he says is a great place to go for someone who wants to date ideologically. While these organizations are not specifically "green," you are likely to find a large ratio of vegetarians, environmentalists, and peace activists involved.
"There’s really not a lot — if I knew where to look I’d probably be partnered by now," said Leslie, a Zen Buddhist, pagan, Chicago woman who primarily dates transgender people and didn’t want her last name published.
Both she and Scott Free also suggest visiting performance-based events that provide a space for sharing ideologies and perspectives in a gay context.
Performance Based Events:
"Dyke Mike" (Fridays, 10:30 pm, Bailiwick Art Center, 1229 W. Belmont)
"The Finger" gay open-mike and variety show (third Sunday of the month, 7:00 pm, Early to Bed, 5232 N. Sheridan).
"Grinder" performance series (Thursdays, 8:00 pm, No Exit, 6730 N. Glenwood)
Organizations:
Queer to the Left: meets the first Sunday of every month at 5:00 pm at the COURAJ Office, 4554 N. Broadway #236, Chicago. Contact queertotheleft-owner@onelist.com for details. Listserv: queertotheleft-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Unity Church, 1925 W. Thome, Chicago.
![[Send]](http://consciouschoice.com/sendlink/send.gif){kind=small}
Recommend this page to a friend
Top Ten pages recommended to friends:
