Conscious Choice: Love's Fury Becomes Love's Sweetness

February 2004

Love's Fury Becomes Love's Sweetness

by Terri Loncaric

I think my definition of love has changed as I’ve gotten older.

When I was young and foolish, I thought being in love meant being knocked senseless. One side of my brain knew love wasn’t an MGM musical; but another side desperately wanted to believe it was. The Greeks called it love madness. I always felt like someone had lit a fire inside me when I was in love.

The intense passion was great while it lasted. I was a walking love cliché. I stirred in my sleep. I wrote poems. I imagined the next interlude. I dreamed about my lover. But when you are that drunk with love, sooner or later you have to deal with the love hangover.

I lived under a cloud of desperation that had me fearing I would fall apart if the other person stopped loving me. Often my fear became a horrible self-fulfilling prophecy. I felt like my heart had been steamrolled when a relationship ended. I sobbed so hard the pain exhausted me. I was too young to appreciate the wisdom of a friend who tried to warn me, "Nothing lasts forever."

I thought divorce had soured my friend on romance. But in my maddening search for love, I had forgotten that even in the best of relationships one person will eventually die, and the relationship will sadly end. My friend was right — we shouldn’t pin all of our hopes on this fragile thing called love. We really don’t know what the next day brings. Life is full of passages. Some of them are expected. Others are complete surprises.

I still believe love is our deepest realization of ourselves. But it is not the end of the journey. Maybe it is just the beginning. Our attainment of peace, wisdom and compassion are really the greater cosmic journey. Each detour in the road is simply part of the adventure. We get lost in love madness. We forget the trip can be taken alone or with someone at our side.

Of course, when I was younger I wasn’t thinking about any of this spiritual, heady stuff. I took comfort in my illusions. I continued to cling to the idea of a perfect love. Love madness became my "love drug." I knew that in order to let go of this pattern, I would have to release all of the ghosts from past relationships that had given me some kind of sick comfort. I simply found it easier to hang on than to face the realities of love, and perhaps, the reality of my own mortality.

So I had a lot of great sex and a lot of shaky relationships and was constantly being ripped apart by my need for the "love drug" and the madness that ensued. Then I grew up and just let love’s gentleness enter my heart. I met my life partner when I was ready to embrace a love that had spiritual qualities — not just wild sparks.

The love that flickered in my heart was certainly passionate. But it was more about warmth than burning heat. Dare I say it was comfortable? None of my other relationships ever felt this authentic. I was always second-guessing the other person and trying so hard to please them that I was wearing myself out trying to be the perfect mate.

This time I felt a gentle wave just wash over my soul. We laugh as easily as we love. We talk as well as we play. We share our wisdom. Accept our shortcomings. Love fiercely and gently. Inspire one another to become better people. In this relationship, there is room to grow, but a place to be playful, too. I don’t try to guess where this love came from or analyze its every nuance. I simply soak in its warmth.

From the fury of past relationships, I arrived at a remarkably peaceful place that gave me a delight in all that we share and yet a mature appreciation for the time we spend apart. I didn’t seek it out. It found me, or maybe it just sneaked up on me when I wasn’t looking so hard for that perfect love. Even though my spirit soars, I feel anchored in something that is lasting and real. Maybe that’s what love is — the lightness that comes into your life when your mind can really handle the realities of love. It is true serenity.

Terry Loncaric is a Chicago-based writer specializing in spirituality, travel, the arts and social issues.

Recommend this page to a friend

Top Ten pages recommended to friends: