Conscious Choice: Phenomenal Perfection

March 2004

Phenomenal Perfection

by Jade Walker

I was a size five once. Then I blossomed into a woman, with curves to match.

Growing up, I was tortured by low self-esteem. I aced all the tests and earned commendations at every creative activity I tried, but none of that mattered. Playing three instruments and studying four languages ranked second to being able to tug my shapely legs into a pair of tight, designer jeans.

As a child, I was warned about the perils of getting fat. My female role models did not encourage me to be independent or to become a successful writer. Instead, thinness was taught as the supreme lesson of womanhood. Without a petite body, I’d never be perfect, they said.

In high school, I survived on little more than Diet Coke and Dentyne, with the occasional yogurt thrown in for good measure. I looked great, but I still thought I was fat. And I felt miserable.

By the time I reached college, I had mastered the art of eating a decent meal, and then ridding myself of it. When my habit of eating and purging was discovered by my college boyfriend, he demanded that I ignore the pressures of family and peers. He loved all of me, he said, and he was convinced that serious health problems would develop if I continued to "diet" in this way.

At his request, I stopped the bulimic cycle and promptly gained weight. When we broke up a year later, I gained even more.

For the next few years, I tried every dieting method on the market. Some worked for a while, but in the end, I always gained the weight back. Then on my 25th birthday, my life hit a true low point. Money problems were suffocating, my latest boyfriend had an online affair and my best friend died of kidney failure.

When you reach the proverbial "rock bottom," it’s amazing how trivial fitting into a bathing suit becomes.

That was the year I decided to turn my life around. I was sick of living up to everyone else’s expectations. I desperately wanted to look in the mirror and be satisfied with my reflection. I realized that I needed to make myself happy, and no miracle cure was going to do it for me.

Having that epiphany altered my entire worldview. I threw out the scale and stopped shopping for a while. I joined a gym and started exercising three times a week. I didn’t try to lose weight and I refused to diet. I simply ate in healthy moderation, and exercised more to combat the 18 hours a day I spent sitting in front of a computer.

As a reward for my efforts, I can now walk 40 city blocks without breaking a sweat. I can climb the huge incline of stairs at the subway station and still breathe in a semi-normal fashion. Most of the time, I can even do a half-hour on the stationary bike without my heart having an attack.

I’ve also grown more comfortable with my looks and I’m using my newfound energy to make the rest of my life (work, relationships, money) fit my own idea of perfection.

Occasionally I’ll still face a self-esteem setback. I’ll leave half of the food on my plate and feel guilty for doing so. Or a well-meaning fan will write and say how much "happier" I’d be if I got back down to the size five I was when I entered puberty.

I do what I can to take these moments in stride. I picture building biceps like Linda Hamilton’s in "Terminator" every time I use the weights at the gym. I respond to compliments and insults with the same toneless "thank you" that neither accepts nor rejects the intentions of the speaker. I remind myself that while I’ll never be a petite woman, I can make the most of the lovely physical and emotional attributes I do possess.

It took a lifetime of failed diets and a moment of "rock bottom" life circumstances to make me realize that perfection can’t be measured by a scale. It’s a quality that’s harbored in attitude and spirit. With that in mind, anything is possible. Transformation is only a personal epiphany away.

Jade Walker is a Seattle-based writer.

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