Conscious Choice: Life at the Top of the Chain

April 2004

Life at the Top of the Chain

by Richard McGinnis

I am certain most of you will not be able to relate to this. After all, I am highly evolved. I am a brain and ten fingers. Eyes too. Yes the eyes are helpful to see the screen where these very weighty words are being written. OK, so there are other parts like bones, muscles, tendons, organs, etc. But those parts exist only to maintain the brain and fingers. This is the way I have chosen to perceive things anyway.

It started like this: One of my best and dearest friends told me the other day I communicate much better via e-mail than in person. I could have been hurt by that remark...except for the fact that she is correct.

She had simply discovered what I knew to be true: I am a freak among humans. That’s right. Verbal communication stumps me every time. The primitive logistics of words being spoken without the necessary trip from my brain down my arms to my fingers allows for too many inefficient and not necessarily effective sounds to come out of my mouth. A mouth, by the way, that is far more useful for basic, primal pleasures like eating frozen desserts.

If you want to know what I think about something, or better yet, if you want some sage advice, send me an e-mail. Seriously. Do not ask me anything in person. Yesterday, during a meaningful and important moment with someone I highly respect and admire, she asked my opinion. Surely she did not mean for me to give it to her at that moment?! I stared blankly at her and then glanced down at my twitching fingers lying uselessly in my lap. The fingers knew what to say because my brain had completely circumvented my mouth.

She stood there looking at me with that unmistakable, “Well? Say something!” look on her face. After my attempt at a few clumsy words, she left. Whew! I sent her an e-mail.

The other good thing about being as highly evolved as I am is I do not have to socialize in person. I leave work (where I have spent much of the day sending profound e-mails), go home, put on really comfy clothes and snuggle up to my 22" flat panel display monitor and a really big hard drive. Thus begins the nightlife of this superhuman. Ah, the magic and romance!

I am divorced. At least that is what my lawyer told me as I stared blankly at her and thought about how I could be composing a really meaningful e-mail to my now ex-wife. Why would an intelligent woman such as my ex not want to be married to me? That is insane! Can’t she see what a good communicator I am?

It is her loss, indeed. Anyway, virtual romance is much easier. I don’t have to shave or spring for dinner. And, here’s the cool part, I can eat all of the frozen desserts by myself.

I know you less evolved types are really jealous now. Right? Well, my lesser friends, it’s not all glory at the top of the chain. There is work here, too. For example, one of the toilets in my office has been operating questionably for a while. Since it is my responsibility to monitor such things (obviously as the one at the top rung of the Darwinian ladder), I sent out an office-wide e-mail not to use the toilet. And if that wasn’t good enough, I taped a printed copy of the e-mail to the door of the little room. Then, it turned out the toilet was not as broken as was originally supposed (in other words, it worked “well enough”). I sent out another e-mail to let everyone know the toilet could be used again (with caution).

Why was sending out these e-mails more effective than simply walking around this small office of ten to tell them not to use the toilet? Because there is no challenge in doing so, that’s why! Highly evolved communicators need challenge. Composing e-mail about a broken toilet is art. It is evolution at its finest! After all, what would I say if I had to verbalize “Don’t use the toilet. It is broken.” Ugh.

And this evening, what am I doing? Ah, I see you believe you have me figured out. You are thinking it’s the keyboard and frozen dessert affair, right? Well, it isn’t. I am going to see a new therapist. I think I need to come down the chain a link or two to help all of you feel better about yourselves.

Chicagoan Richard McGinnis lives life by his own rules and makes decisions using information he collects. As we see here, that can be unfortunate.

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