Conscious Choice: Just Say No to Computer Upgrades

September 2004 | Editor’s Note

Just Say No to Computer Upgrades

How come the saying “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” applies to everything except computers?

There are two words that are sure to strike terror in the heart of just about any employee, just about anytime, anywhere. And, no, it’s not: “You’re fired.” That’s not even a close second to the dreaded: “Computer upgrade.”

I know you know what I’m talking about, because not too long ago everyone in the whole world was upgrading their computers to whatever version of whatever program the computer software people decided we all must buy, and use, in the next five minutes.

Even the massive Chicago Tribune, which has a crew of computer techs on hand 24/7, (or at least it did when I worked there not so long ago) almost missed printing an edition because of a “computer breakdown” during an upgrade. Imagine that: for the first time since the Great Fire of 1871 when most of the city was in flames, one computer upgrade managed to do what wars, downtown floods, heck, even getting the correct election returns (remember the “Dewey Defeats Truman” moment) couldn’t. It almost caused the Chicago Tribune to miss putting its edition out on the streets.

That same week the emergency call 911 Center went down, and although officials never announced an exact cause, I suspect the “power glitch” was actually caused by a computer.

The computer upgrade curse seemed to even affect small businesses. At my acupuncturist’s office, the receptionist seemed to be cussing in Chinese at the monitor and the technician who sat at her terminal, tapping away at her computer’s keyboard.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“Upgrade,” she said, exasperated, and then continued the rest of her comments in Chinese.

So, here’s what I want to know: Whatever happened to the concept: “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”? How come that applies to everything except computers? And how come every time our computers are upgraded the stuff that was easy to do suddenly becomes complicated, and our deadlines grow shorter instead of longer? And can someone please tell me why the computer geeks always decide to foist these upgrades on us at the worst possible moment, when we’re on deadline and don’t have time to figure out the six new steps to do the thing that we could do before in two?

“Why do we have to do this now?“ I demanded to know when in the midst of our deadline crunch/computer upgrade all my edited copy was eaten, discarded, frozen, or otherwise rendered unavailable. Not to mention the on-again, off-again e-mail.

“We have to because everyone else is upgrading now and if we don’t, then...” Here the computer programmer’s voice trails off in a shudder of horror.

Then what? The sun won’t rise? Jeez, for centuries people actually managed to exist without e-mail! How did they ever do it?

Now maybe you’re one of these computer geeks who think all these upgrades are great, and so you probably also like being the first person to stand in line for the first movie on the first day of its release. Good, go get in line, and leave the rest of us alone to talk about you behind your back so we can plot our revenge. Because I’ve come up with the ultimate computer upgrade fail-safe plan:

Just say No.

That’s it. Just say No to computer upgrades.

It’s so simple it could actually work. Look, if we all said No to computer upgrades none of us would ever have to upgrade again. Or at least we could wait it out until it’s convenient for us, say in 10 years, after we’ve actually had a chance to figure out how to use all the computer stuff we have now.

There are advantages to waiting out technology.

Remember 8-track tapes, and Beta movies? If you don’t, then I rest my case with even more conviction.

Why should the majority of us (and I’m convinced the we-who-do-not-desire-to-be-upgraded are the majority) fall victim to the minority gotta-be-the-first-to-get-the latest-version-of-this-or-that. Let the gotta-be-the-firsts jockey for position to be first in the check-out line, and leave the rest of us to happily exist without having to waste time, money or energy trying to keep up in a technological race that’s rigged so we never finish.

I don’t even bother to try to figure out what computer program we’re on now. It’s not that I’m stupid. If I can ruin the curve for my classmates in an accelerated math program, I’m sure I could figure out any computer program. It’s just that I refuse to clutter my brain with information that will be outdated as soon as I absorb it. Besides, computer programmers don’t play fair. I refuse to believe they can’t figure out a standardized system that can accommodate, support and allow both new and old versions to communicate.

You see, the way I figure it, the New! Improved! Latest! Best! program of whatever is just some marketing scam devised to sort us and sell us more New! Improved! Latest! Best! stuff that we don’t need.

My first week here, I had (and I’m not exaggerating here) 1,700 e-mail messages, most suggesting I do things to body parts I don’t even have.

This is why, until the Just say No to Computer Upgrades plan takes hold, we all should learn and liberally use the “delete all” key. If it’s important, how about we try talking to each other in person?

And just so you don’t think I’m rude, people keep telling me they are sending me things via e-mail, but apparently I’m not getting a lot of them. So it’s probably best to send your messages the old-fashioned pen-and-ink, stamp-and-snail-mail way, because (and again, I’m not kidding here) my e-mail has been even more messed up since our last computer upgrade.

— Marla Donato

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