Conscious Choice: Youth: Who Needs It, Anyway

July 2005 | BackWords

Youth: Who Needs It, Anyway

By Neal Barrett Jr.

GETTING OLD IS A WHOLE LOT EASIER THAN YOU THINK. One good way is to live a long time. That’s the route I took and it has worked real well for me. It’s slow, but everyone I talk to agrees it’s the best. And the good news is, if you’re not old yet, it’s never too late to start. Two things you need to look out for along the way: (1) Youth tends to hold things up. (2) Do not die. This will mess up your plans real quick. That’s just a start. Here are a few more helpful hints to get you on the path to elderly bliss.

Believe me, bliss it truly is. At the tender age of 75, I can attest to the fact that there’s really nothing like it. Few people realize this, because age has gotten a lot of bad press. I am thoroughly sick of hearing, “Wrinkles are just antique smiles.” No, they’re not. They’re wrinkles. “Old is when you have more fingers than teeth.” Is that cute or what? “You’re only as old as you think.” Think whatever you want. If you’re old, you’re old. And worst of all is the one about “Golden years, the autumn of your life.” Grow up, people — a lot of us have spent all our gold, and our leaves are falling off. And what do you get for all this? Two dollars off at the movies. Thank you, world. I’ll apply this bonanza to the fifteen bucks for a small popcorn and a drink.

Age is supposed to be a time when you sit back and ponder the wonderful days of the past. Hey, you can ponder when you’re dead. Do something fun. You’ve served your time; you’ve earned the right to make other people miserable. And no one can do it better than a sly, determined person of the elderly persuasion. Get up off your rocker, and annoy someone young today.

There is no question in my mind that the young deserve all the aggravation their elders can dish out. Most of this rabble are idiots. You know that, you’ve been one yourself. If you’re under 30, Trivial Pursuit’s not a game, it’s what you strive for on Friday afternoons. Think about it. When you were that age, you didn’t know beans about old people. You couldn’t imagine yourself still alive in such a horrid condition. And they can’t imagine you, shaky in the knees, jiving around on your walker, humming along with Doris Day. Old people used to get respect. Now we’re like TVs when they go on the blink: Toss ’em out — they’re too expensive to fix.

There’s so much you can do to irritate the geezerly impaired. They don’t know what you’re thinking. They’re not too sure you do at all. Remember: The older you get, the more you can get away with. Age is a great disguise. Even if you’re not real smart, act like it. Smile, as if you know a Great Truth. To someone 21, even the dumbest cluck on the block looks wise at 92.

Wear funny clothes, anything you like. Hang out at places you don’t belong. Nothing makes a young person more uncomfortable than some old duffer straight out of l952. Old ladies can do anything they want. A kindly smile, and some young dope will carry 80 pounds of groceries to her car. It makes him feel great. It saves the old lady’s back, so she can dance with an arthritic hoofer that night. An elderly man can flirt with a pretty young waitress. She thinks he’s cute, thinks he’s a harmless old fool. If she could read this codger’s mind …

Don’t get me wrong. It’s not just the youngsters’ fault. We bring a lot of these problems on ourselves. We worry about what we say, how we look. Forget about how you look. Kids know how you look, you look old. And say whatever you like. Ramble on about how things are today, and how they were when you were young. Don’t worry about being boring. That’s the whole idea — the joy of talking to people who have absolutely no interest in what you have to say.

I think we make a big mistake doing the things young people want us to do. They make big bucks loading a pack of gramps and grannies on buses, and hauling them off to dull historical sites. Senior cruises are even worse. You wouldn’t get trapped with that bunch of losers when you were 30. What’s the big attraction now?

Don’t ever take advice. Don’t listen to anyone, especially your children. Children are just full of great ideas. They know exactly what you need, what you ought to eat, where you ought to go, what you ought to do. At some point along the way, they’ll decide you’re too old to drive. They will tell you how your reflexes just aren’t what they used to be, and how they’ll be happy to take you wherever you want to go. Don’t even listen to this. There’s no use trying to explain that drunk, doped up, sex-crazed teenagers listening to rap and yakking on their cell phones are much more likely to snuff you out than some old guy trying to get off the freeway alive.

And another thing: Watch out when they start on where you ought to live instead of where you do. I’ve already nipped that little number in the bud. Some time ago, I set up a nice retirement fund. My daughters are 48 and 51. A couple of years, and I’ll put them in a home, so they’ll leave me the hell alone.

What I’m saying is (if I remember what I’m saying at all) is do whatever you want, act however you like. They’re going to think you’re nutso whatever it is you do. What they don’t understand, and won’t for some time, is life’s not really too short. Actually, it’s just about right….

Neal Barrett Jr. has published over 50 novels and numerous short stories. He also writes columns, screenplays and the occasional historical marker. You may view his work at www.nealbarrett.com.

Recommend this page to a friend

Top Ten pages recommended to friends: