Conscious Choice: Win Against Stress

December 2005 | Whole Health

Win Against Stress

By Kenford Nedd, M.D.

What is this thing called stress? Stress is like sex. People talk about it all the time. Everyone thinks they are pretty good at it. Few people really take the time to understand it and even fewer have taken the time, effort, and energy to train their physiological responses to master it well.

If you want to be among the few who can master stressful moments and thrive in stressful times, begin now by reflecting on what stress is not.

First, know that life is basically one darn thing after another. In other words, a life without trials and hardships is no life at all. These are the springboards from which you can soar to higher heights and deeper depths of meaning and happiness. Remember this when you face your next predicament. Actually, some great people will tell you that they actually delight in hardships because they present great opportunities for building internal fortitude, which is the secret of a great life.

What I want to impress upon you is that hardships, disappointments, insults, and troubles are not to be feared. They are inevitable, but the good news is that stress is not.

You are not stressed because things are tough. Stress is not the difficulties that you are facing with the divorce proceedings. Stress is not the disrespectful way your boss yells at you. Stress is not the constant interruption in your day. Stress is not having more work than you can handle. Stress is not the fact that your sister ran away with all the inheritance. It is not the lack of money to take that long-desired vacation. It is not being criticized by your spouse. It is not the fact that your pet died.

Stress is not the event! Stress is the response that you choose to make to the event. The emphasis here is on the fact that you can choose your response. It is important for you to decide now and commit to the decision that you are going to choose the best response to any stressful situation.

Keep telling yourself that stress is simply the response. When you see your boss approaching with a frown on his face, mutter under your breath, “stress is the response.” When your 15-year-old daughter is late getting home, keep saying “stress is the response.” And when your lover runs off to Montreal with someone else, remember stress is the response.

So stress is your response to an event when you perceive that the event is particularly difficult to deal with. The event is not stress. It is only the activator or the stressor. You decide whether that stressor will turn into stress. And you have a choice. Remember, stressors are inevitable — but stress is not.

Three Avenues of Escape

If you are faced with a terrible stressor right now, remember that you have three windows of opportunity to prevent that stressor from giving you stress.

In order for you to have stress, you need stressors (difficulties) and you don’t have to go looking for any of those. They are always coming at you, mostly on two feet, ready to ruin your day. Then you need to perceive the situation as beyond your ability to control. This will really do the trick because your perception of the event will determine the caliber of response that you mount in the face of the stressor.

Your first opportunity lies right with the stressful agent itself. Learn to arrest the stressor as soon as it approaches and deal with it right there and then. In other words, don’t react to the situation — respond to it. In other words, tell yourself that you have missed the deadline, you failed the exam, you made a fool of yourself at the party, but by all means remember to say “I can handle it.” These four words close the door to stress.

If you return to the parking lot after a wonderful shopping spree and find that someone has broken into your car and stolen your new camera, don’t immediately react with anger and bitterness. Don’t use your energy and attention to turn the stressor into stress. Deal with the situation.

If you get busy focusing on the situation, you will avoid being worn out by entertaining negative emotions which are injurious to your health.

Just see what you can do to make the situation as bearable as possible. There are several skills that you can develop to help you to do this. As most stressors stem from relationships, here are specific techniques that you can practice.

When faced with a stressor, learn to overlook some mistakes. Wisdom, says William James, is the simple art of knowing what to overlook. In other words, learn to deal with difficulties themselves by suspending your natural reactions and choosing the most beneficial way to get past the predicament. In many cases, not all, the simple art of overlooking will serve you well.

The second window of opportunity is in your perception — the way you choose to view the situation. The way you perceive a stressor will determine if it will cause you stress. So perception is the key. For instance, when faced with the difficulty of a job loss, keep telling yourself that you can handle it. Learn to use the hardships you have to face as cues to develop positive and self-enhancing perception. Even if the situation is overwhelming, recognize that there is more to you than meets the eye. Reach down right in the midst of the disaster, deep into your soul, and connect to the vast field of unbounded energy to perceive that you have the power to control your responses. Positive perception closes the gate to stress. Learn to beef up your perception by becoming mentally in touch. Treat every stressor as a cue to build a refined and integrated body and mind.

The third window of opportunity is the response. We think of our responses to stressful events as automatic. But think again. Even if something terrible happens, we can choose to perceive it in a light that will enable us rather than paralyze us. We can close the gate to stress with our perception and we can soften the impact of the disaster on our psycho-physiological system by establishing control over the body and mind. Here is one quick way to achieve that:

At the first sign that something tough is coming down, tense your muscles, take a deep breath, look slightly upwards and smile inwardly (and outwardly if you have the courage) and as you breathe out, relax and extend the out-breath. At the same time, adjust your body, let go of tension in your jaws and shoulders and assume a balanced posture.

When troubles and difficulties strike, suspend your natural reaction and deal with the stressor. Then tell yourself that you can handle it. Assume the challenge response and exercise your power to choose your response. Instead of automatically tightening, you can breathe, smile and relax. Breathe, smile and relax and see yourself as a victor and not a victim.

As Einstein said, in every hardship there is opportunity. Internalize this and practice these prescriptions, and you will win against stress.

Kenford Nedd, M.D. is a Vancouver- based physician and a renowned international keynote speaker. He is author of the bestseller Power Over Stress. Visit www.stressdoctors.com.

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