July 2006 | Whole Brain Adviser
Making Peace with Dad and Boyfriend
By Nancy Ging, LCSW
Dear WB Adviser: No matter how hard I try, I cannot find the middle ground between my father and my boyfriend. I force them into the same room and subtly encourage them to get to know each other, but as the silence between them falls away the conversation immediately becomes adversarial. — Daughter with Dilemma
Dear Daughter with Dilemma: Well, you tried. The same-room encounter could have worked if there hadn’t been a surplus of density in one or more of these fellows. In these encounters, it is good to visualize a horizontal infinity sign with flowing energy between the two people who need reconciliation. Just why this works is a major mystery to my left brain, but it works and doesn’t hurt anyone. You certainly don’t have to tell anyone what you’re doing, and it isn’t manipulation of any misguided sort if you’re employing such energetic imagery to engender harmony. That’s a clean agenda, always.
Now try talking privately to your father regarding how he feels about his daughter being a grownup. You could also try playing music from the “Fiddler on the Roof” soundtrack, with the lyrics: “Where is the little girl I carried?” Maybe your father is in great pain about letting you go. You might also ask him how his life was going when he was the age your boyfriend is now. Ask your father if he would be willing to give you a free consultation about why the energy that these two guys create together is so contracted and uncomfortable to be around. Requesting Dad’s insights respectfully might even give rise to some wisdom, which it is time for him to find with himself. Good luck.
Nancy Ging, LCSW is a Chicago-area holistic psychotherapist.
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