Conscious Choice: Burning Up the House

February 2007 | Life, the Universe and Everything

Burning Up the House

By P.W. Allen

My wife and I have gone through some difficult times of late. But we made a conscious choice to reengage, and we’ve found tremendous comfort, strength and healing by turning toward each other in a way we haven’t since before we married 17 years ago. Bluntly put, since last January, we’ve been making love almost every day—at least once, and sometimes more.

I don’t quite believe it either.

Making love, when done right, forces you to really pay attention to each other, which is exactly how and what we needed to navigate our crisis. We both chose to turn toward each other instead of turning away. Though clearly the wounded party, my wife, bless her, made the first move, and we haven’t stopped moving since.

Neither of us knows if this activity level is sustainable. We didn’t make resolutions, didn’t intend to immerse ourselves in each other. What we did was assess our situation and commit to the enormous risk of honesty and openness, without which you can’t sustain true intimacy. And since we’ve started making love so often, we’ve both come to appreciate the constant sense of closeness, renewal and joy.

Especially in the morning. Often I’ve drifted into consciousness sensing my wife’s body on mine, her hands or her long velvet form. If you know a nicer way to start the day than reaching out when half awake to touch the warm, responsive flesh of someone close to you, please share. Plus, for guys at least, testosterone levels peak around 7 am. At that hour, “achieving erection” is practically an oxymoron.

You may wonder how we find the time. Our children’s schedules help. One leaves for school by 7:15, the other doesn’t rise till around 8—later if we’re preoccupied. We now savor those minutes and put them to good use, with a Do Not Disturb sign on the door. Sometimes we’ll get both kids off to school and head upstairs; other times we don’t get that far. Sometimes our goodbye kisses last 15 minutes, through several changes of room and one of outfit.

We’re not newlyweds. We’re both in our 40s, both in decent shape. I still play ultimate Frisbee, while my wife power-walks. She seems far more at ease now with her body and its power to entice than she was in her 30s. Our preteen daughter has helped some, by encouraging her mom to dress in ways that accent her figure. I love that kid.

Here are some things we try to help squeeze more lovemaking into our life:

Spontaneity. Indulge your id. Give your partner a kiss on the neck or a quick grope. Expose a body part they love. Their response might surprise you, or leave you gasping with a lysergic smile. Turn restless late-night wakeups into love sessions. A quick romp at 3 am can relieve anxiety and get you right back to sleep. And if you never wake up early enough to fool around, set the alarm.

French kissing. Kissing is the best, but your mouths must be kissable. Guys, shave the night before, then rise early to brush your teeth. Kissing builds intimacy and ardor, and it’s much better without the five o’ clock stubble.

Sleep touching. For years I couldn’t sleep while touching someone. Now with us indulging nearly every impulse, falling asleep while touching is easy and lovely. We spoon together, bottom to belly, arms on each other, and the soothing energy flow can have a calming effect and zip us off to dreamland. But not always. Sometimes, spooning leads to forking.

Touch. My last birthday card read “Nice butt,” a sentiment sometimes conveyed by hand.

Express yourself. Use newer avenues, like email and instant messaging, and old ones, like the phone. For the verbally deft, IM is especially good for clever exchanges, double entendres, sudden revelations. On the phone or whispering next to you, that voice in your ear goes directly to the most responsive erogenous zone: your brain. Try those Germanic words that end with the hard ‘k’ sounds. Sure, “make love” sounds nicer, but it doesn’t always work best.

Be direct. Ask for what you want in simple sentences, like “Verb my noun…”

Besides an improved sense of well-being, all this pulse-pounding action brings other benefits. Heart attacks seem less likely, except the “Take me now, Lord” variety. Our blood pressures are down, as is my risk of prostate cancer. After seeing the study that said men should ejaculate three times a week to reduce the risk of prostate cancer, I came up with a slogan: Beat cancer. But I like my new one better: F*** cancer. See, “make love” won’t work there.

If you make a road by walking, maybe you can make love by making love. This may sound obvious, but it’s hands down (or pants down, as the case may be) the best part of our day. What else can you do every day that brings you more satisfaction?

Freelance writer P.W. Allen is a nice kind of tired.

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