My foray into the stadium food tasting experience left me much wiser about the ways of fast food — wise enough, I think, to recommend the following techniques for the best possible stadium food experience.
Coordinate. I think some of the digestive trouble I experienced at the games may have been due to the fact that I was eating combinations of foods that simply weren’t meant to go together, in order to taste a wide variety. For your own sake, try not to do this. There will be other games, and you will have plenty of chances to try everything.
Eat it fresh. Try to get your entire meal at one stand. Once you have it, proceed directly to your seat. If there is a break of some sort in play and the park provides you with a little alcove full of plastic seats (really, only Comiskey does this — United Center provides counters but makes you stand) you may want to sit down right there and eat. The reason is this: The taste and textural quality of your food will decrease exponentially with every minute elapsing between its creation and your consumption.
Start early. If you’re looking to feast, get a head start. Arriving before the game gives you the best chance at a good variety of fresh, hot food and friendly service. Don’t expect much during the ninth inning or fourth quarter. The concession servers want to go home, too, and they often begin to pack up as soon as the rush has died down.
Get it while you can. Never assume that a food item at one stand will be at all of them, especially something fun and unusual like a vegetable wrap. Often special items are served at only one stand, since, inexplicably, most sports fans want hot dogs. Most stadiums are set up in a sort of circular repeating pattern and unless you are very familiar with the park, you are liable to go in circles trying to find that particular stand again once you leave it. If something looks good, buy it when you see it.
Beware the mess. Italian rolls are a must for any "wet" meats, such as hot roast beef. The rye bread that mine was served on at Comiskey was soft and tasty and certainly a nice idea, but got soaked through minutes after I got it. Though I turned the sandwich over hoping the still dry top slice would offer better support for the meat, the whole thing fell apart by the third bite and had to be eaten with a fork. I can’t imagine taking this item to my seat and trying to eat it while watching the game without making at least a medium-sized mess.
Condiments are your very best friends. There is a variety of taste enhancers to be found at the condiment table, namely, pickle relish, diced onions, barbeque sauce at some venues (Bull’s Eye at United Center, natch). These can wake up all but the blandest items. Bearing in mind that your food’s taste quality is decreasing with each passing minute, check out the condiment table near your stand before you order. Make sure it’s full, fresh, and has the tasty toppings you crave, so the remainder of your game is not spent foraging for relish as your food cools and solidifies, or experiencing a mouth so dry, sticky, and tasteless it commands your full attention for the rest of the game.