There was a time in the not-so-distant past when someone would have had to threaten to pull my teeth before I would have agreed to attend a women’s group of any sort. Today I thrill at the opportunity. Experience has taught me its potential worth.
When, in the fall of 1996, a friend asked me to join a women’s spiritual support group she was forming, I balked. I wasn’t so sure I wanted to sit around once a week with a group of women and hear about their problems at work or listen to them complain about their significant others or be told about the trials and tribulations of any other areas of their lives. I was too busy already, had too many of my own problems and didn’t know if I wanted to give up an evening at home — or an evening of shortening my to-do list — to attend what I feared might be a coffee klatch.
On the other hand, I knew I needed some support myself. In my suburban life as a housewife, mother of four, and freelance writer, I felt isolated from my friends. We didn’t talk on the phone or see each other on any consistent basis at all. I had run out of time, money, and energy to attend the spiritually-related classes and workshops that once served as my mainstay. Maybe, I considered, the group would give me a chance to connect with my friends and make new ones while getting the dose of spirituality I craved. It also might give me a forum to work on some of the personal problems I was struggling to solve. I could at least try it and see.
I went to the first meeting feeling reserved and cautious. I knew several of the people in the group. Indeed, two were close friends, but the others were strangers. When one of the women suggested that everyone make a six-month commitment to attend weekly meetings, I balked once again. Six months! What if I didn’t like the other women or couldn’t find time to make it or had too much work or had a sick kid or just didn’t feel like coming? What if I flat-out hated the group and wanted out?
Standing outside after the meeting, I voiced my concerns to a friend who had attended also. We agreed that no one could make us stay in the group, so the commitment issue was moot. We would attend a few times and then decide if it was working for us. But it did work for me, and for each of the twelve others, too. A year later, the group had become so important to me and so beneficial I couldn’t imagine a week without a meeting.
Not long after this, my husband was transferred and I had to face the reality of living without my women’s spiritual support group. I was devastated. More than anything else, I didn’t want to leave behind this group of friends who had become such a great support for me. Even now, two-and-a-half years later, the tears flow when I think of them; I miss them still. I also miss what made the group so special and so successful — the dynamics of the group itself.
Obviously, my commitment level changed drastically between my first and last meeting. That’s because I derived such great benefit from attendance. For me, the women’s spiritual support group offered a weekly dose of support, love, acceptance, self-awareness, and connection to spirit. However, I am no different from many women all over the country who recount similar tales of great benefit received from being part of such a group.
I spoke with a woman recently who has been a member of a women’s group for twenty years. The group meets every week, and in all those years, it has lost only one member. After sharing in each other’s lives, helping each other through difficult times, exploring women’s issues, and celebrating each other’s successes, these women have become family. They have grown and learned together and plan to continue doing so for many more years.
Another woman I know was a member of a women’s spiritual support group for more than twelve years. Her group met every month and had between nine and fifteen women in attendance. These women came together for spiritual growth and development, which they achieved so successfully that they each left to pursue individual interests with other groups. However, they have remained a close-knit community of women who participate in each other’s lives.
Women’s support groups, be they generic or spiritual in nature, allow women an opportunity to enjoy the full benefits of female friendships. While I have had some very good female friends over the years, I have not always enjoyed the company of large numbers of women. Yet, joining a women’s spiritual support group allowed me the opportunity to discover that I thrived upon the friendship of women, especially in large numbers. The bond we formed through sharing our selves was stronger than any other relationship I had ever experienced (with the exception of marriage). Being part of a women’s support group allowed me to examine myself, to grow and to become a stronger, clearer, more centered and conscious person — while seeing this mirrored in the lives of the other members as well. It was a healing experience in every way.
Women derive these great benefits from women’s groups when they share some basic experiences and inherent characteristics that allow them to relate to and feel compassion for each other. When we open ourselves emotionally to others, we can connect with each other at an extremely deep level, thus offering support not often found in other relationships.
The women in my spiritual support group offered a type of support, insight, friendship, and honesty I had never before experienced. What we said or did at meetings never left the room, and since we all agreed to offer support rather than criticism, the group provided a safe space that allowed most of us to experience and to deal with anything and everything we needed or wanted.
The agenda for each meeting was simple. First, we would take a moment to get centered, often by using the Native American ritual of "smudging" with sage. We would then go around the circle and allow each woman a few minutes to "check in" — to tell the group what was going on for her and to share any miracles that had occurred in her life over the past week. "Miracles" might include unexpected money arriving in the mail, an intention kept, or feeling the release of anger.
Then we would ask who needed support from the group. Anyone who needed support would be given time to talk in more depth about her issue. While someone was talking, we were not allowed to interrupt unless with a question. In addition, we were not allowed to "cross share." Cross sharing happens when we hear someone’s story and then want to connect with that person by telling our own similar story. We encouraged instead such a response as, "I’ve had a similar experience and what worked for me was...."
The group would offer support, in the form of advice for solving a problem or for taking what appeared to be a negative situation and looking at it in every possible way until we had turned it into an opportunity for growth and learning. Often, we worked on turning self-defeating thoughts into self-promoting ones and offering affirmations for whatever was happening in our lives.
Sometimes we held a member in our arms, rocking her like a baby while she cried for the support and comfort she was not receiving in some other relationship. Sometimes we offered a body to push against while someone vented her anger at another person or a situation in her life. Sometimes we just offered an ear, if that was all that was wanted, or a few words of encouragement. Sometimes we shared laughter at our own human frailty or at the often comedic nature of life. We also celebrated birthdays or goals achieved or major changes or accomplishments in members’ lives. Always we offered appreciation for each other, speaking the words we felt but rarely voiced. Always we looked deeply into each other to see our true essence, to see our spirit, and to help each of us connect with that spirit.
When one person felt she had received the support she needed, we moved on to the next most "needy" person. And when no one needed support, we formed a healing circle and offered energetic support for our weekly intentions and for physical and emotional healing.
Many times, I didn’t want to go to group; I was feeling physically or emotionally drained. Still, I would pick myself up and get in the car, knowing that I would feel better by attending. And I always did. Even if I didn’t deal with my own issues at that meeting, I would undergo an emotional and spiritual transformation just by listening, offering support, and being surrounded by the group’s energy.
Do it Yourself
To create the type of women’s group I have described, you need to choose like-minded women and limit the membership. By like-minded I don’t mean that all members should be doctors or housewives or citizens with the same political viewpoint. The key, really, is for members of the group to possess a similarity of intention and the same basic outlook on life. For example, my first group consisted of women who all wanted to take negative situations and thoughts and turn them into positives, thus moving closer to achieving their personal goals and expressing their true spirit. We wanted to process the problems in our lives and wanted the support and help of the others in doing so. We all believed we could access love, well-being, and abundance, if we only knew how to remove our self-made blocks to receiving these things.
The woman whose group has met over a twenty-year period said the members of her group had different backgrounds, different professions, and sometimes even different opinions. But they all shared the desire to explore women’s issues and their own lives. The other woman, whose group met for twelve years, said most of the members had spiritual interests and viewed the world from a broad spiritual perspective.
While no particular structure works better than another, I do believe that having a structure aids in the success of the group over time. Yet, the structure of each group may differ, depending on the group’s intention or desire. Certainly, meeting with regularity and being disciplined about keeping to your chosen format goes a long way toward keeping your group functioning long-term.
The format of my first woman’s spiritual support group, which I described earlier, may not appeal to you. If this is the case, consider the format of other women’s instead. The two women who discussed their groups with me belonged to groups with very different structures. The first group was designed simply for women to connect. The members would sit down to a meal together and chat about whatever they wanted. Only after dinner would they discuss a particular pre-planned issue of interest to them all — or, if need be, a member’s specific issue.
The other group came together for spiritual growth and development. First they would feed the body and chat one-on-one or in small groups. Then they would share what was happening in their lives, thus feeding the emotional self. Afterward, they would feed their minds by discussing as a group a few, previously-agreed-upon subjects, books, ideas, or concepts. This was followed by a silent meditation meant to feed the spirit. The meeting ended with a healing circle in which energy was sent to individuals, groups, or the planet as a whole. The different activities at these meetings were kept within specific time limits.
The design of a women’s spiritual support group matters far less than the fact that members have a similar goal and focus in coming together. Of great importance also is a strong commitment level in all the women, for this will keep them attending long after the first meeting. In retrospect, the six-month commitment I was asked to make turned out to be very positive for me. Although I knew I could actually back out if need be, the fact that I agreed to commit for that period kept me attending for several months. It was only after those first few months that I truly realized the benefits of being in the group.
Remember, it takes time for the members of a group to bond and to feel safe with each other. Once that has been achieved, however, the women will begin to open up and to share on a deeper level, a level that offers the opportunity to connect on an extremely intimate level. (I could bare my soul to the women in my group with no fear of reprimand, recrimination, or loss of friendship.) The members of my group eventually learned about the best and the worst in each of us, and this brought us all closer. This type of openness does not happen in just one or two meetings, however. It takes time and effort. Most importantly, it takes trust — and that is something, again, that builds over time.
Continuity in membership is also important. Once the bonds have been formed in a group, I believe it is difficult to bring in new members. Lacking the group history, new members inadvertently jeopardize the feeling of safety in the group. If your group is not getting into personal, intimate, or emotional issues on a regular basis but is focusing on issues, ideas, and books, you may experience success in leaving membership open. Otherwise, I suggest keeping the membership restricted to initial members.
Members of the group must agree that whatever happens at group meetings stays within the group. Nothing is shared with friends or relatives or husbands or significant others. This rule is vitally important, for if it is broken the people who have shared their innermost feelings may feel their trust has been violated. The group’s safety issues will come up as a whole and there will be less willingness to share and connect.
Recently a friend of mine asked me to join a women’s spiritual support group she was forming with people she knew from our religious organization. A memory began to emerge in my mind, slowly and dimly at first, then gaining speed and clarity until I achieved full recall.
A picture of thirteen women including myself filled my mind’s eye. We were huddled together, arms around shoulders and waists, the circle gently swaying. We let our eyes slowly travel around the circle taking time to look deeply into each person’s eyes and to savor the joy and love written on each other’s faces, some of which were streaked with tears of gratitude for all we shared, all we meant to one another.
The memory filled me with warmth, appreciation, and love for these women and for the amazingly fulfilling and growth-inspiring experience of being among them. Even so far away from them in time and space, I still feel their support and their encouragement. When I feel the most alone, I need only imagine their faces around the circle to feel one with them again.
"Yes," I told my friend with no hesitation. "I would be happy to join your women’s spiritual support group."